Faith and Vengeance
Answer by guest columnist Dr. Paul Hopkins - an expert on faith and parental bereavement. Learn more about Dr. Hopkins below.
My sweet 21-year-old daughter met a guy that ruined her life in a few months, basically killed her, and is now walking around scot free. All I can think about is harming him. I want him to suffer. He is a known drug dealer and the cops are no help at all. I had an autopsy done and she died with opiates in her system that I know she got from him. My wife says our daughter is dead and nothing will bring her back, but I believe in an “eye for an eye.” This man has no right to breathe free air after giving our little girl drugs and disappearing when she needed help – when she was dying on cold cement. I can’t stop thinking about her last moments and what I would like to do to that SOB. I have been a rational, church-going man my entire life. I am eaten up by this anger. What am I supposed to do? Just forget about what happened to my only child?
Man, I’d be furious too! Anger is often part of grief when someone we love dies, but in this case you’ve got somebody specific to be angry at. What a terrible situation for you and your wife! I believe that losing a child is the worst loss anyone can suffer. But to know that her death was the result of this guy’s drugs just makes blood boil.
So, what to do? Well, first and foremost, cherish the years you had your daughter. Remember the good times and the beauty she brought into your life. Weep, but talk about your fond memories about her, too. Tell stories, and be proud of the joy she offered to the world.
Second, find a healthy outlet for your anger. You say that you are a church-going man, so remember St. Paul’s advice to the Ephesians: “Be angry, but do not sin.” The “eye for an eye” teaching was replaced by Gospel love. It’s not your place to wish this jerk dead, and certainly not your place to try to make it happen. Don’t let that anger spoil the rest of your life and the love you share with your wife. Channel the anger constructively. If you know of incriminating information, make sure the police and the prosecutor have those facts. And since you’ve seen the damage drugs can do, look for groups in your community that you can join to help fight this awful scourge. Let your daughter’s death, which you cannot change, foster a legacy to help prevent other young people and their families from suffering such a fate.
Finally, I hope you can find a counselor or a religious advisor who can help you process this anger and pain. You and your wife need to walk this difficult road together, and a wise and sensitive companion can be a great help. Good luck!
Dr. Paul Hopkins is a family therapist and licensed clinical mental health counselor in independent practice, and an ordained minister, living and working in Albuquerque, NM. You can reach him at: drpaulhopkins@gmail.com.