My friend has cancer. It's terminal. What can I do?

Turning this over to an expert who wishes to remain anonymous. She is a dear woman, partner, sister and mother of two fine young adults, and she has a powerful perspective as she faces her own terminal cancer diagnosis.

“This is my list of Someone-I-Love-Has-Cancer: Do’s and Don’ts. We all want to say something and take the worry away from our friends and family. These are things I’ve learned during my own journey and also when my brother had cancer 13 years ago.

DO…

1) Express how much they are loved and that you are thinking of them/praying/holding them on your heart.

2) Reach out and offer to bring a meal over to the house (be sure to ask what flavors/textures they can tolerate - chemo and other treatments often change the palate).

3) Offer to drive them - anywhere.

4) Visit if they are up to it. F ace to face contact and human touch mean a lot.

5) Ask if you can contact any friends of family for them by phone or email, to replay messages and updates.
6) Offer to search articles for them and translate the jargon (If you have a medical or biomedical background). It is really hard when you are sorting out your diagnosis to know what to do. Help with medical terminology is always helpful.

7) Make them laugh.

8) Ask if they would like a book before bringing one over, or would a book on tape or CD be better? For example, after my brain surgery my mind couldn’t focus. It took me 8 months to return to reading books. I could read newspapers easily. I didn’t have to concentrate so much.

9) Take them for a drive somewhere beautiful. Nature is a powerful healer.

10) Send them a letter or card.

11) Tell them what they mean to you. You should have done it years ago but unfortunately, we don’t.

12) Ask if they need any health equipment you may have - a walker, a wheelchair, a bath seat, etc - anything that can make their life easier.

13) Ask if they have any drips that need repairing, need a wheelchair ramp, handrails installed - and if you are handy around the house, offer to assist, or recommend someone who can help with these needs that isn’t too expensive.

14) If they have government paperwork to deal with and you’ve been through it, offer to help them. Dealing with the ends and outs of that can be really stressful.

15) Clean their house - but ask first!

16) Offer to help with their taxes.

17) Respect their choice of treatment. Some people will throw everything at an illness. Others don’t.

DON’T…

1) Hound them with a lot of texts or phone calls. It can be overwhelming. They will reach out when they can and have the energy. This is a draining process.

2) Explain your experience or a friend’s cancer experience and how they beat it. This diagnosis is a unique journey.

3) Push therapies on them. CBD is not a cure for cancer. Some people are interested in alternative therapies, others aren’t. If we ask, then offer, otherwise it muddles our brains with more “what-if’s” and stuff we need to research.

4) Send them healthy meals through places like Blue Apron. The idea is good and thoughtful but they still have to take out all the ingredients and cook the meal and follow complicated directions (which may not seem difficult when you’re healthy). Maybe a gift certificate to a couple of their favorite restaurants might be the thing.

5) Bring kale! Or otherwise assume you know what seasoning/flavors they can tolerate or enjoy - the chemo may affect their palate. Always ask first.

6) Ask what they did or didn’t do to get this cancer (or recurrence).

7) Force them to talk about what’s going on - if you’re there in person, ask if they’d like a hug or for you to hold their hand. Saying, “I’m here for you” goes a long way.

8) Connect them with someone else with a similar cancer/treatment. Ask them first. In times like these, we don’t need new people in our lives. We want to spend time with those we know and love.

9) If they are going in for a surgery or procedure, don’t start your statement with, ‘IF you make it through….’”