My dad drank himself to death. I am heartbroken, and furious.

Answer by guest columnist Dr. Paul Hopkins - an expert on faith and parental bereavement. Learn more about Dr. Hopkins below.

My dad was a great dad, and my dad was an alcoholic.  When my husband and I split up, he let me and my toddler son move in with him.  We lived together for over five years, until he died this past June.  It was awful, it was unexpected, and I know it was because he never took care of himself. He wouldn’t see a doctor and he drank a lot – every day.  He was a loving dad, a great grandpa and everything in the house reminds me of him.  My son is heartbroken, we are alone, and he died because he put his drinking over us.  I know I am grieving, but I am so angry too.  I want to forgive him, I want to drop this rage but it just seems like it’s a part of me now. How can I remember the good times with my dad?

What a loss for you!  To have had a Dad who was so loving and supportive, and to lose him far too soon—it’s a tragedy.  Your anger is perfectly understandable.  Anger is often a part of grieving someone we loved, but in your situation it feels to you like your dad kind of hastened his death by his own actions.  So your anger at him is magnified. 

But here’s the first thing to remember—alcoholism is an illness that is often so powerful that people who have this disease can’t help themselves.  From what you have said about your Dad’s love for you, I can’t believe that he intended to end his life prematurely.  He would have wanted to enjoy more time with you and his grandson.  But his illness overcame him.  He was wonderful and loving and generous, but he was also sick.  Nobody is just one thing.  So maybe instead of being angry at him, you could be angry at the disease.  Alcoholism kills thousands of people every year, and we all should be angry at the toll it takes in our world. 

Meanwhile, the loving things he did for you throughout your life, and especially in the last five years as a Dad and Granddad, were great gifts.  So be thankful for all those gifts.  And whenever you have a chance, talk with your son and others about him.  Cherish those gifts you received in the years you did have with him.  Yes, there could have been more time if his disease had not overcome him.  But the years you had were precious.

Dr. Paul Hopkins is a family therapist and licensed clinical mental health counselor in independent practice, and an ordained minister, living and working in Albuquerque, NM.  You can reach him at: drpaulhopkins@gmail.com.